Content note: This conversation talks openly about abuse, addiction, a death by overdose, and suicide, including the caller’s own history with suicidal thoughts and attempts. Nothing is described in graphic detail. If you’re struggling, you can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time (US). The caller also talks about Alternatives to Suicide (Alt2Su), peer-led, non-clinical support groups.
After their oldest brother died of an overdose, the caller and their oldest sister could say something to each other that nobody else in the family would: they were relieved. He had hurt the caller, and he’d gone on to hurt others in the family. Now it wasn’t happening anymore. Whenever they tried to say that around the adults in the family, they got the same answer every time: we can’t talk about that, because he’s dead. “I’m just trying to speak the truth,” the caller says.
In this anonymous call, they talk through the complicated grief of losing someone who hurt you: the relief, the guilt that came after it, and the shame of feeling guilty at all. They’re grieving a relationship they never would have had, and they’re still asking how much space he should get. His addiction has made them more careful with their own recovery: “That’s like the only thing I got from him.” They can still say he deserved help he never got.
The conversation starts with the question every caller gets: what do you think happens when we die? The caller hopes for an everlasting nothingness. It comforts them, and so does not knowing for sure. I believe the same thing, and it scared me enough that I started this project. From there, the caller talks about their own history with suicidal thoughts, how hard it’s been to be honest about it in a therapist’s chair, and finding Alternatives to Suicide, the peer-led groups where they could finally say it.
The night before their sister called with the news, they dreamed about their brother and drew what they saw the next morning. The week he died, they asked for a sign in blue. A blue bus they’d never seen before showed up on their route every morning that week. Near the end, I ask for a favorite memory of their sister instead of their brother. The caller was 11 or 12, sitting in her lap and steering her car on the way to get ice cream, with the music on.
Topics covered
09:03 — What happens when we die, and the comfort of not knowing
15:03 — Alternatives to Suicide (Alt2Su) and non-clinical peer support
21:33 — Losing an abusive brother to an overdose
25:09 — “Don’t speak ill of the dead” and speaking the truth
33:22 — Art, a dream, and a blue bus
44:28 — A favorite memory of their sister
Related episodes
Anonymous #38 — What Happens to Your Own Life While You're Busy Caregiving Someone Else's?
Anonymous #47 — When Someone Dies Why Does Everyone Stop Saying Their Name?
Book recommendation: Broke: Patients Talk about Money with Their Doctor by Michael Stein.. See the full list of Anonymous Book Recommendations here.
Video Episode: If you’d like to watch this conversation instead of just listening, you can find the video version on YouTube.
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