#53 — What Would It Take to Accept That You're Going to Die? (2-Year Anniversary)
Our caller was five or six when they started lying awake at night, scared of death. What frightened them was the idea of not existing at all. That wasn't something a kid could bring up to adults, so they mostly thought about it alone.
Around the same time, their mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and nobody explained much to the kids. Years later, at the caller's own birthday party, their dad and aunt pulled them and their brother aside to say their mom wasn't going to survive. Then everyone went back to the party. She died a few days later, on the caller's 14th birthday. She was 39.
At 30, the age their mom had been at her diagnosis, the caller asked for a baseline mammogram. It found stage one breast cancer. Their daughter was three. During one of the strongest chemotherapies there is, they felt closer to death than they ever have, in a place they describe as between two worlds. Almost 20 years later, as a nurse, they were telling newly diagnosed patients to look at them as proof you can get through it. Then, in 2024, they felt a lump.
They had assumed that facing it a second time would leave them more ready. It didn't. Now 51 and working on it in therapy, the caller tells Zach they still haven't found acceptance. When he asks what it would take, they wonder if it might be hearing that it's terminal. Right away, they add that they don't want to be like that. They love being alive. They'd just like to make it to their late seventies or eighties.
This episode marks two years since the first episode of When We Die Talks. It's also the show's 100th call. Caller numbers and Anonymous episode numbers don't line up, since not every call becomes an episode, which is how the 100th call ended up as Anonymous #53.
Topics covered
08:30 Thinking about death since childhood
19:30 Losing their mom on their 14th birthday
24:30 A diagnosis at 30, and feeling "between two worlds"
28:30 Don's question: fighting cancer and accepting death
33:30 What would it take to accept dying?
39:00 A recurrence after almost 20 years
Related episodes
This episode marks two years since the first episode of When We Die Talks. It's also the show's 100th call. Caller numbers and Anonymous episode numbers don't line up, since not every call becomes an episode, which is how the 100th call ended up as Anonymous #53.
Ask Me Anything: On October 8 at 5:30PM PDT, I'm doing my first-ever live Q&A on Substack. You can send in questions ahead of time by text, email, Substack or Instagram. Add it to your calendar here.
Book recommendations: My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante. — see the full list of Anonymous Recommendations here.
If you'd like to watch this conversation instead of just listening, you can find the video version on YouTube.
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